Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 1, 2003
I met my wife a dozen years ago and her best friend shortly thereafter. I was always fond of my wife's friend. We all shared a good deal of time together through our college years and now into our thirties. She is married with two children as are we.
We live in the same town, our families spend a good deal of time together, and I'm good friends with her husband. My problem is I cannot stop thinking about her. I'll go out of my way to be with her. I dream about her nearly every night.
I am physically attracted to her but no more than to any other good looking 30-year-old. My wife and I have a good relationship physically and emotionally. So what the heck is going on? What should I do?
I can't break off all contact. Our families are much too close, and everybody will want to know why. I think telling my wife will only get her upset. So I am stuck with feelings I can't tell anybody about, and I can't think of any way to correct my situation.
Robin
Robin, there are many ways to alter the course of a life. For example, you could rob a bank. You could pass a note to a teller that says, "Give me all your money." That would change the course of your life, but it's not a very productive method and neither is this fantasy.
Nowhere do you state this woman has a romantic interest in you. She seems to be an innocent puppet in a play you're staging in your mind. In fact, her reaction to an actual overture may turn your dream into a nightmare. If you tell your wife, it may change the way she looks at you forever.
A huge amount of mental energy is flowing toward this other woman. Why? What is wrong with the rest of your life that your thoughts flow there? That is where you need to look. Your wife's best friend is a diversion from something you need to face up to.
It could be your career is not going where you wanted. It could be something else. But before you take any more steps down fantasy road, focus on what you really think about your life, your job, and your family.
The dream you had for life is not turning out as you hoped, and that is why you dream of your wife's best friend. Pulling mental energy away from her and shifting the focus to yourself, will point you toward the answer. If the answer still eludes you, individual counseling may help.
Wayne & Tamara
Not Enough
I am in a relationship that is still fairly new. He and I have things in common, but our feelings toward this relationship are not mutual. He treats me exactly like I want to be treated, but I don't have a strong desire for him.
Not that he's unattractive or anything like that, it's just I feel that it's a bit rushed. I am tired of casual dating and I want something solid, but not overnight. He also does and says everything he thinks I want to hear and not what he really feels.
My sister thinks I am selfish and unappreciative, but that's not really the case. She tells me to keep him, he's a good man. I already know that, but I don't feel he's the good man for me.
Nora
Nora, without your sister's influence, we doubt you would have written. You have examined your own feelings and come to a reasoned conclusion. It is not enough that he is a good man.
Maybe you are wiser than your years and wiser than your sister. It is not selfish to end a relationship which is wrong for you. To act from what you know is right takes character.
Wayne & Tamara
About the Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
