Dating Advice: Should You Play With Madness?

I have a friend with a big problem, a guy who needs good dating advice badly. All the women he dates are dysfunctional, and he can't figure out why. Actually, most of the women he dates aren't merely dysfunctional, they're psychotic.

In fact, when came to me for some dating advice, he told a story about the last woman he dated, how she literally stalked him for three months after their relationship ended, one day calling him a "Nazi," the next calling him the sweetest guy on earth. It got so bad he decided to sell his house and move out of state. No joke, this is a true story.

However, this is NOT the first woman like this he's dated. In fact, most women he's dated are like this. Now, you might think this guy is bad looking and broke, a complete loser who just can't "do any better." The truth, though is this: the guy's 6'2", in good shape, could pose for GQ, and does very well financially. And, he can be a fun, witty guy to hang out with. Why then, did this guy come to me for dating advice?

There are actually several answers to this question (and we don't have time to cover all of them today), but many of them have to do with what's called "map/model of the world," both his and theirs. We'll talk about his in a later episode-for now, just realize your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. Obviously he's got some work to do on his inner world, and he is taking my dating advice seriously, but for now let's talk about map/model of the women he dates.

Just what is "map/model" of the world, and how will this help your dating? It's simply how each individual human being views the world-the sum total of our internal representations. Let me give you an example that will clarify this. Let's say you and I are listening to the radio and a particular song comes on. You hate it, but I like it. Why? Because we both have different maps/models of the world. Although the "input" (in this case the song) was exactly the same, the "output" (our reaction to the song) was different. Our "maps" create the differing output. How we view the world is different. How each man responds to my dating advice is different.

When you're screening women to see if they're worth spending time with, you want to uncover as much of their map/model of the world as possible. Why? Because how they've behaved in the past (based on their map/model of the world) is how they will behave in the future. And if the past behavior they've exhibited is bad, their future behavior will be worse. (Take my dating advice on this one!)

When my friend told me during this dating advice session about his experience with this "crazy woman" I asked how they met, what she said to him. It took me 15 minutes of listening to him for me to determine, simply based on what she said to him, that she was a "nonstarter", someone I would NEVER start a dating relationship with. Why? Because she'd described several instances of psychotic/stalking behavior in past relationships. But, since he wasn't actively uncovering her map/model of the world, and making decisions based on it, he got into a horrible relationship. I would have avoided dating her completely.

So just how do you uncover a woman's map? By asking, "elicitation questions" and actively listening. Youwant to look for common patterns of behavior that reoccur in her past relationships. Awhile back I met a woman online and we met at Town Lake here in Austin for a walk. As we walked, I simply asked her about her online dating experiences. Over and over she said, "oh he kept following me, but he was a loser."

Then I asked her about her relationships, and she kept talking about how guys "cheated on her all the time." How did she know they were cheating, I asked? Well, she said, because I would drive by their houses, and strange cars would be in the driveway. My dating advice to anyone who exhibits this attitude is... don't walk, run!

Now, if I'd pursued ANY type of dating relationship with this woman, what do you think the outcome would have been? She would have driven by my house, looking for "strange cars" and then she would have accused me of "cheating." And then she would have come to my place of work at odd hours to "confront me." Why? Because that's what she did with all the guys who "cheated on her."

Obviously I never met with her again, even though she was cute. But many guys not heeding this very important nugget of dating advice would have, because they were paying attention to looks, not uncovering her map or model of the world. And the next six months of their lives would have been HELL.

Listening for map/model of the world is a valuable skill to develop, and some of the best dating advice I can give anyone. You will find that uncovering someone's map of the world will save you much frustration. So… I've got some homework for you guys. As you go throughout your day tomorrow, actively listen for

other people's maps. Get them to tell you stories, and listen for recurring patterns of behavior, both good and bad. Develop this skill, and utilize it, and you'll be able to avoid a lot of heartache, and enjoy a lot of pleasure.

Written by: John Alanis

Questions, Questions and More Questions

by Pat Stevens


After you have had a few dates with someone and you think it might be going somewhere, you begin to ask more serious questions about their childhood, family, job etc.


Eventually the relationship might progress to where the really tough questions must be asked. Like "have you ever slept with someone without using a condom" or "how much debt do you have"? There is no easy way to bring up these questions.

Recently, I received a copy of Michael Webb's newest book, 1000 Questions for Couples: What you absolutely must know about the person you are with. This book is going to make those difficult questions much easier to ask.

The questions start off easy like "Has anyone dear to you died? How did you handle it" and "About what things are you most selfish." They slowly progress (just like your relationship should) until you get to those questions that you simply can't avoid if you are going to commit your life to living with someone. There are questions on drug addictions, abuse, child rearing, finances and lots of questions about sex. And because these questions are coming from a book, you don't feel like "you" are asking them.

A special bonus that I really liked was the option to get 3-5 of the book's questions emailed to me each day. That way I could forward the questions on to my beloved and we could each read over them and forward the answers to each other that night. I can see where this would be very valuable for those in long distance relationships.


While there are a lot of questions in this book that are crucial for couples in the dating stage, the majority of the questions are useful for people who are already married. If you value your relationship, I urge you to ask these 1000 Questions for Couples. read more  


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